How many times have we heard the cliche, “The grass is always greener
on the other side?” While the overuse of this phrase has mostly dulled
its impact, people who experience the “grass is greener syndrome” endure
a significant struggle with commitment.
What causes this issue?
The
hallmark of the “grass is greener syndrome” is the idea that there is
always something better that we are missing. So rather than experiencing
stability, security, and satisfaction in the present environment, the
feeling is there is more and better elsewhere, and anything less than
ideal won’t do. Whether it’s with relationships, careers, or where you
live, there is always one foot out the door.
The
problem with this is the greener grass is usually based on fantasy and
fear. The fear comes from several possibilities, including fear of being
trapped in commitment, fear of boredom, fear of loss of individuality,
and fear of oppression.
Along with these fears comes the issue of
compromise. In people who fear commitment, comprising certain desires,
needs, and values for the sake of the unity can feel like oppressive
sacrifice. When this happens, the perception is that there is something
else out there that will allow us to have all that we crave, want, and
value, and that it will happen on our terms.
This is where the
element of fantasy comes in, and with the fantasy comes projection.
We’re going to want what we don’t have, and there’s a fantasy that we’ll
get what we don’t have, and that the parts that we’re currently happy
with won’t be sacrificed in this change. However, what ends up happening
is that after the “honeymoon phase” of making the change, we find
ourselves wanting to flip to the other side of the fence again because
we discover that there are other things that we don’t have, and because
the novelty of the change wears off. It ends up being true, that we
always want what we don’t have, even if we’ve already jumped the fence
several times.
This is where projection comes in. When the grass
is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing
personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us —
generally a partner, career, living environment, etc. We rely on
polishing our external environment to soothe a deeper internal
dissatisfaction. Though the environment changes when jumping the fence,
after a brief internal high, without constant stimulation and newness,
the dissatisfaction becomes the same.
I think the cliche should be changed to this: “The grass is only as green as we keep it.”
The grass always starts out a nice and shiny green (‘honeymoon
phase’), but will begin to wear a bit with use. Then, it still needs to
be maintained in order to stay a nice shade of green. The dulled green
(or even brown) grass on our current side of the fence would be greener
if we nurture it. The shiny green grass on the other side of the fence
is our wish for our internal selves — to be happy, unscathed, and fully
satisfied.
The truth is, as human beings, we are all in some ways less than
perfect, and therefore, the shiny grass is an illusion. Our job is to
keep the grass as green as possible, which may take some outside help.
But no matter what, it won’t remain as green as the moment we first set
foot on it.
I must insert that there are certainly situations where another situation
is a
better situation than the current one (for example, a healthy
relationship versus an abusive one; a job that’s more fulfilling to you
versus an unfulfilling job). But the “grass is greener syndrome” has its
own particular presentation, primarily rooted in patterns:
•
Repetition. A pattern in your life of constantly wanting better and repeatedly seeking change in relationships, jobs, environment.
•
Perfection. It’s one thing to go from an abusive
relationship to a positively-functioning relationship, but it’s another
to feel that a string of functioning relationships are never good
enough. There may be a search for the fantasized ideal taking place.
•
Wanting to have and eat your cake. This is in line
with the struggle of compromise. If you must have every want and
perceived need that stimulates you, then it’s likely that the grass will
never be green enough unless you’re the only one on the grass — and
even then, it won’t be green enough because of what may be missing from
this picture.
•
Wanting to run away. If you see a pattern of being
unable to settle in one geographic place, relationship, job, etc.,
there are deeper reasons for this than just not being in the “right”
environment.
•
Ultimate dissatisfaction. If you enjoy constant
change, and living out this sort of life, then there’s technically
nothing wrong with this. But if the reason for the constant change comes
from repetition of dissatisfaction, and if you’re looking to become
more secure, stable, and settled, then this is an issue to look into.
The best way to deal with the “grass is greener syndrome” is to learn
the underlying reasons beyond the abstract ideas of idealizations,
perfectionism, and the inability to commit. Psychotherapy is a good way
to facilitate this process. The other piece is learning how to nurture
and increase connection to what’s current so the relationships maintain
and strengthen rather than become unsatisfying. The idea is to build an
internal place of stability, rather than jumping around in your external life to compensate for a lack of internal stability.
